The Deal That Almost Killed Us
When the client wouldn't stop calling, wouldn't sign anything correctly, and hasn't paid the HELOC fee to this day, Tony's 25-year lender relationship was the only thing standing between this file and a bonfire.
The Deal (Allegedly)
Dylan "No Problem" Loria, a genuinely great guy who answers texts in under five minutes, referred us a client who does not answer texts in under five minutes. Or ever. Unless it's to ask why the deal isn't closed yet. Strong revenue, loyal customers, terrible attitude, cash under the mattress, low IQ (or possibly no IQ) borrower. On paper, an easy yes. In practice, five months of our lives we're never getting back.
The Complications
This client is the biggest pain in the ass we have ever worked with. Nearly everything that could go wrong, did.
The business ran heavy in cash, and the numbers on paper didn't reflect what the business actually earned. The client's P&L, originally filled out in crayon, was filled out incorrectly. Four times. Submitted as-is, he wouldn't have been able to finance a banana. The referring CPA stepped in to help rebuild it properly. Tony stepped in and worked six hours on a Saturday to rebuild it properly, reconstructing an accurate financial picture the underwriting could actually stand on.
Ownership was tangled too. The owner, Vinny "Don't Ever Call Me Stupid" Marino, a little short guy one rage fit away from a heart attack, had originally put the business legally in his wife's name, despite him running it for decades. Probably so he could hide cash, hide his awful credit, or leave town quickly if the heat from his bookie became too much. Midway through underwriting, the client's attorney, Nico "Don't Touch My Ponytail" Pizzo, who should stick to chasing ambulances, decided to set up an entirely new business in Vinny's name, thirty years after the fact. It triggered a fresh round of questions from the lender right as the file neared completion. It wasn't an isolated mistake; coffee stained paperwork and re-dos from the attorney's office were a recurring source of delay throughout the deal. And of course, they were all somehow Tony's fault.
Meanwhile, Roman "I Need Money Yesterday" Bertrand, the seller of the building, was applying real pressure, calling Sean repeatedly for updates, even on days there was nothing new to report. Sean dug deep into his chest of stories to abate his concerns: "any day now, Roman" or "sorry, the lender is closed for Juneteenth, try back tomorrow," when in reality the delays were mostly things like "Vinny went to AC and forgot to sign a document," or "Tony told Vinny to go fuck himself and the deal is dead." All in a day's work.
How It Got Done
"Nobody on earth could have gotten this deal done for you."
Dylan Loria, to Vinny Marino, mid-dealThe Outcome
The deal closed. $1.1M SBA, 85% LTV, no lien. Dylan never got paid. PGS got paid, sort of. The client still owes PGS $10,000 for the HELOC and $6K for the SBA, and as of this writing, has not called to check in on that. Funny how that works. Not every deal is this complicated, but when one is, we apparently do it anyway.
Where Are They Now
Tony Golio has since retired from PGS and gone back to bouncing at clubs full time in NYC.
Sean Hawley has also retired from PGS and currently works as a street busker in Times Square.
Dana Malley has since retired from Harvest and joined a monastery.
Dylan Loria is still working as a CPA and Vinny's accountant.
Vinny Marino is happily moving into his new building, and with the extra $9,000 in his pocket from stiffing PGS is planning a weekend getaway to Foxwoods in the near future.
Ronnie Doucette spends her days gardening and covering NSFs in Sean's bank account.
If you would like to become a tax professional who refers your clients for funding, contact Joe Padulla from Instant Capital.